Yes, I am aware that I should be studying, but I’m having an internal battle of sorts and I need to write it all out and I felt that sharing it in a blog post could be most effective to my situation.
Today, during prayer, I was hit with a few different feelings all at once. One of them, and a very prominent one, was that I shouldn’t be here.
That I am not the type of person who needs to be in this program.
That I don’t have a purpose because I don’t speak and I don’t show much emotion to others.
That my skills and talents aren’t good enough to make a difference in another person’s life.
That I should have ended it all a long time ago.
That side of my mind opened up for the first time in a long time. Since before I moved. It almost felt like the two sides of my brain were openly battling each other in full armor with swords sharpened to kill.
I tried to fight it on my own strength. I tried to battle the bad side with good thoughts and I tried to cry out to God to just relieve this pressure in my brain.
And then I realized.
Satan will try to plant ideas in my head. Sometimes he succeeds in his endeavors and sometimes the ideas completely get blocked out. But he has his ways of going around barriers and I may not even realize it. I may think it’s my own brain trying to find release.
But I need to stop trying to fight this battle on my own.
During the time after prayer and in the staff meeting today, I was reminded time and time again that I am on this Earth for a reason and my brain is like this for a reason and I suffer through my social anxiety for a reason. Though I may not understand why or what or how or when, God knows.
He knows who I am.
He knows what I’ve done.
He knows what I will do,
who I will meet,
where I will go,
who I will marry.
He knows all of that.
I am not a waste of space. I am not just a filler. I am a living, breathing human being with a story and a testimony who may not speak up all the time, but I still have valuable things that could be shared.
I’m not saying this for you, the reader. I’m saying it to remind myself who I am and who I am in God.
I am a child of God. I am a daughter of the One True King, and He did not breathe life into my lungs for me to stand back and let everyone else take control of anything and everything I am a part of.
I am not a confident person, and that’s okay. It’s something I know that I need to work on. I also tend not to speak up when I have something I think could be valuable to the situation I’m in, but it’s also something to work on.
I do have a purpose, I do have a place.
Though I myself do not yet know why, I know that leaning on God and giving everything I go through up to Him will not only help me to realize my future but also realize the potential I have for something greater than myself.
With that being said,
watch out, world.
Soon, I’ll be ready to take control.
But not yet.
God’s still got a work to be done in me yet.