The aspect of pretending is an act that humans participate in for most, if not all, of their lives, starting from infancy. Humans have a fascination with being someone other than themselves, as is evident in the popular movies, tv shows and musicals of the present.
But this can also be translated into our personal lives as well. We seem to have a fascination with believing that we’re emotionally someone that we’re not. We believe that our spiritual walk with God is somewhere, even when it may be not.
I’ve faced this time and time again in my own faith and relationship with God. I spend time in prayer like everyone else and worship openly like everyone else, and contribute spiritual knowledge into the conversation like everyone else,
but on the inside, I may be doubting the reason why I do those things. Or I may not be believing what I’m speaking. Or I may feel shut off from God and find it hard to worship Him when I feel like my prayers and adoration are hitting the ceiling and bouncing off and hitting me back in the face.
Just this last week, I was sitting up in the highest seats at church during my time of morning prayer, asking God why people I love are hurting so much and begging Him to reveal answers that I’ve been seeking for a while that don’t seem to be getting responses.
A song came on the loop while I was asking God all of these doubting questions, and the only part I can remember was the artist telling God that he trusts Him.
And God spoke to me in that moment and asked me if I believed that.
If I trusted Him and if I would allow Him to take these worries and doubts and fears off of my shoulders and take control of them for me.
I couldn’t even answer. I just sat there dumbfounded at my own unbelief.
I wasn’t trusting Him. I knew that, He knew that. But I hadn’t been willing to admit it out loud until that moment. It took me doubting the One who loves me more than I could ever imagine for me to realize where the root of my issues lay.
I wasn’t trusting Him.
I wasn’t trusting Him with my future.
I wasn’t trusting Him to take the burden of my past.
I wasn’t trusting Him with my hope and longing for a future spouse and a future family.
I wasn’t trusting Him with my worship or my worries.
I wasn’t trusting Him to provide when I need it.
I wasn’t trusting Him with my emotions or my insecurities.
I wasn’t trusting Him with my anxiety.
And I now realize that my prayers and worship weren’t hitting the ceiling. He was hearing my every word.
I just didn’t mean them. I wasn’t giving Him praise from an honest and humble heart, but from a selfish and closed-off one. I let the bitterness from my past and from my current situation overwhelm me to the point that I couldn’t recognize why I felt the way I did. I shut myself off from those around me who wanted to help, and tried holing away from my problems because I didn’t want to deal with them.
But they’ve been brought into the light, and there’s no ignoring them anymore.
There’s no pretending that everything’s fine and that I’m content with where I’m at and that I don’t have a care in the world.
Because not everything’s fine all the time. I’m not always content. And there are many moments where I do care, almost too much. But I’m not willing to admit it, especially to myself, to try and numb my emotions down so I don’t get completely overwhelmed and have anxiety attacks and shut down because I just feel so much. I hate people asking me if I’m okay. I hate having meltdowns and sobbing uncontrollably in front of people. I hate revealing to others just how different I am.
But that’s just a character flaw that God has pointed out, and that I will need to take back to Him.
It will take time to sort through my feelings, and take time to slowly find myself in God again,
but realizing that you need God more than you need answers is just the first step of many.
And I’m glad to say I’ve already taken that step, and I hope that my relationship with God will be stronger than it ever has been.